


You're My Reason To Live

by theres_no_utopia



Category: Monsta X (Band), 걸어 | All in - Monsta X (Music Video)
Genre: All in MV, Alternate Universe - All In (Music Video), Angst, Depression, Homophobia, Hyungwon and minhyuk centric, I suck at summaries I'm sorry, I'm a lazy proofreader, M/M, Mental Breakdown, One Shot, Religion Mention, Suicide Attempt, Suicide mention, all in Au, based off the all in mv, bathtub scene, i cannot write kiss scenes to save my life, lot of crying, the mv still makes me emo, the other members are minor characters I'm sorry, very subtle changki if you squint, you all know the fucking one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 05:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10632858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theres_no_utopia/pseuds/theres_no_utopia
Summary: Hyungwon had just wanted Minhyuk to be happy.Minhyuk had just wanted to protect Hyungwon.





	

Hyungwon liked to escape sometimes.

All the members of the clan liked to. On nights like these the seven of them often found themselves in the greenhouse up the hill from town, sitting around in a circle while they let all their worries go. They would laugh and forget, their voices bouncing against the glass walls of the greenhouse.  
It was only a temporary escape however. 

The nights the clan spent in the greenhouse were always a blissful haze. Always a chance for Hyungwon to momentarily disconnect himself from his thoughts. It was the only time where he felt like he was truly living in the moment and not inside the mess of his mind. It was a peaceful experience, even if the world they lived in was always still there when the night was finished and the sun rose. 

Hyungwon’s father was always there too. Even if Hyungwon wished he wasn’t.

Hyungwon’s eyes snapped open abruptly, the sudden tap at his shoulder startling the boy. His eyes travelled to his left, resting on Minhyuk’s face as the white haired male smiled at him. Hyungwon felt his lips curve into a soft smile at the sight. Minhyuk didn’t smile very often nowadays, the facial expression only surfacing on the rare occasion with Hyungwon and within the sanctuary of the greenhouse. Hyungwon couldn’t blame Minhyuk for not wanting to smile. After all, sometimes he himself struggled to find something to smile about. 

Hyungwon found himself starting at the other boy’s hands, watching as Minhyuk’s slender fingers delicately held onto the stem of a plant. Hyungwon had always thought Minhyuk’s hands were beautiful and warm, especially after all the times he had held them while Minhyuk had comforted him. 

The brunette’s eyes returned to Minhyuk’s face. Hyungwon considered Minhyuk to be beautiful as a whole, not that he would ever reveal that to anyone. He had daydreamed before about kissing Minhyuk’s lips, indulging in the dream he wouldn’t dare try to make a reality. Daydreaming was a pleasant escape for Hyungwon, a chance for him to peacefully distance himself from the world and feel safe in a world of his own creation. The harsh sting of the real world however, always reminded him that he could never truly run away from everything. The impact of his father’s knuckles against the skin of his face was another reminder for Hyungwon. 

During the day, when the sun was up and Hyungwon was clear headed, he would never dare to progress his relationship with Minhyuk to anything more than friends. Perhaps it was a result of the haze Hyungwon was in or the amount of smoke that was trapped inside the greenhouse, but Hyungwon found himself reaching a hand out and cupping Minhyuk’s cheek. The other boy’s skin was pale as snow but soft and warm to the touch.  
Hyungwon felt a laugh leave Minhyuk’s lips, his face illuminated by the flames near them. Hyungwon’s thumb brushed slowly against Minhyuk’s cheek, making him grin happily as Minhyuk’s laughter continued to fill the air. Hyungwon loved seeing Minhyuk happy and laughing. He deserved to be happy rather than be in his usual stressed state, even if it was only for the night.

His hand slowly descended down Minhyuk’s body, resting just above the other boy’s collar bone. Minhyuk’s laughter died down, fading away as his lips curved into a mischievous smile. Hyungwon’s hand travelled down lower, slipping his arm underneath Minhyuk’s unbuttoned shirt. All his concerns were nothing but a distant thought in the back of his mind. He went to lean his head against Minhyuk’s, only mildly surprised to find that the other boy was doing the same.  
Hyungwon pressed his lips against Minhyuk’s.

Perhaps he could live out his dream. Even if it was only for one night. 

-

Hyungwon was surprised to find that his dream had carried onto the next day.

The two boys had been slowly travelling down a dirt road, their footsteps filling the air as they walked in silence. They intended on meeting up with other clan members under the bridge in town they often spent time under.

Minhyuk had remembered the kisses they had exchanged the previous night, even if Hyungwon desperately wished he didn’t. Minhyuk had not spoken a word about it when they had woken up in the greenhouse, but Hyungwon knew the white haired boy was aware of what had occurred. 

A pale hand suddenly latched onto his wrist, halting Hyungwon’s movement. Hyungwon glanced up hesitantly, eyes making contact with Minhyuk’s. Hyungwon felt Minhyuk’s hand release his wrist before realising that the other boy had moved closer to him. Minhyuk gently cupped his cheeks before softly pressing his lips against Hyungwon’s. 

Hyungwon blinked in surprise as Minhyuk pulled away from him. Minhyuk was smiling.

“Don’t act so surprised,” he laughed, returning to walking down the path. “After all, you’re the one kissed me first.”

Hyungwon didn’t move for a moment, still stunned by Minhyuk’s kiss. He jogged to catch up with Minhyuk, a smile forming on his face as he did so. 

-

Hyungwon’s happiness didn’t last long.

The slap to Hyungwon’s face echoed under the stone bridge, standing out in the suddenly still environment around him. The slap served as a cruel reminder to Hyungwon, one that reminded him that he could never escape where he came from. 

Hyungwon hung his head down low, avoiding the gaze of what felt like a hundred men. His father had begun to spit and yell at Hyungwon for spending time with the other boys before slapping him, spewing out an assortment of derogatory phrases Hyungwon had long ago become accustomed to. He did not anticipate however, what else his father had to say to him.

“One of the men from church spotted you earlier this morning, Hyungwon,” he began, saying Hyungwon’s name like it was venomous. “With _that_ boy.”  
Hyungwon briefly glanced up at his father, who happened to be pointing at the figure behind him. Minhyuk.

“I don’t think you need me to remind you of what atrocious action you were participating in,” his father continued, “but I’ll have you know that I am extremely disappointed with you. You know we do not allow sinners in our home.”

Hyungwon felt his body tense up like a rabbit in the headlights of a car. Anxiety began to quickly grow in Hyungwon’s stomach, instantly making him feel sick. His father motioned for him to follow him and Hyungwon had followed in silence.

-

Minhyuk always knew where to find Hyungwon.

While Hyungwon often attempted to hide from everyone, it never took Minhyuk long to find him. After all, Hyungwon mostly retreated to two locations. One was Minhyuk’s house, which was often empty since the white haired boy tended to sleep at the other clan members’ homes. The second happened to be the ruins of Minhyuk’s old family home. Minhyuk wasn’t too fond of visiting what was left of his old home, but that was exactly why Hyungwon hid there.

Minhyuk had spotted Hyungwon sitting cross legged in what used to be his living room, slouching and devoid of movement. His face hung low and was covered with a white mask, giving the boy an almost lifeless appearance. 

Minhyuk already didn’t like the situation at all. 

Slowly placing himself in front of Hyungwon, Minhyuk reached a hand towards the other boy’s face. Hyungwon batted his hand away half-heartedly, resulting in Minhyuk’s worry growing. Minhyuk had always worried for Hyungwon’s safety, constantly attempting to keep Hyungwon away from the man he labelled as his father. 

He never wanted to find Hyungwon lying still and lifeless in his old home.  
Minhyuk persisted, once again making a grab at the mask. Hyungwon didn’t resist this time, silently letting Minhyuk lift the white mask off his head. A soft gasp left Minhyuk’s lips.

Hyungwon’s face was severely battered and bruised, purple bruises already forming on the boy’s skin. The brunette’s right eye was swelling up, struggling to remain open. The lips Minhyuk had kissed less than a few hours ago had also swelled up, transforming into a rather odd colour. Hyungwon’s gaze was directed at the floor, dejectedly staring at nothing. He looked distant.

Like he wasn’t really there.

Minhyuk’s temper quickly began to grow. 

He gazed at Hyungwon, eyes unblinking as he hoped in vain that the other boy would do something. Curse at his disgusting father, cry over how unfair and horrible the world was or even yell at Minhyuk for kissing him. Minhyuk would rather have Hyungwon yell and blame him for the beating than have a broken Hyungwon sit in front of him. 

Hyungwon slowly turned his head towards Minhyuk, slowly meeting Minhyuk’s attentive gaze. Minhyuk bit his lip, resting his hand on the other boy’s arm while he willed himself not to cry. He wouldn’t let himself cry in front of Hyungwon.

This was the last straw. 

Minhyuk rose to his feet with start. He quickly bolted out of the house, leaving a hurt looking Hyungwon staring after him. He knew what he had to do and didn’t even attempt to restrain his anger. He was ready to unleash.  
It was time for Hyungwon’s father to pay.

-

Hyungwon’s father deserved to lose everything.

A man like him didn’t deserve a home or a son like Hyungwon.

Convincing Changkyun and Hoseok to help him had not been an easy task at first, leaving Minhyuk feeling even more frustrated and angry. The two of them had eventually came around after Minhyuk’s pleading, despite Changkyun’s protests to not involve Kihyun in what the three of them were going to do. Both boys were nervous about Minhyuk’s plans, but they didn’t want to see Hyungwon get hurt again. 

Hyungwon had originally attempted to keep his home life a secret from the clan, Minhyuk being the first one to realise what was taking place behind closed doors. Minhyuk had begun to notice the endless amount of bruises Hyungwon attempted to hide, resulting in Hyungwon breaking down and telling him everything. Minhyuk’s hatred for Hyungwon’s father had quickly began to grow from that night. The other clan members had eventually figured it out as well after Hyungwon’s father’s violent yelling starting occurring in public, not just inside Hyungwon’s house.

They had all been powerless to stop it.

Until now. 

Minhyuk’s lips had curved into a smirk as the flames spread throughout the home, watching as they hungrily engulfed its structure. Hyungwon’s father was finally getting what he deserved. 

Minhyuk had lost his family and his home in a fire, flames similar to the ones in front of him had torn through his house. His parents were unable to escape the flames, burning away along with their home. Only part of the house had managed to survive, leaving a young Minhyuk orphaned and homeless. For a long time after the fire, Minhyuk would cry endlessly, his own loneliness and depression eating at any glimmer of happiness he had. Fire had taken everything away from Minhyuk. 

So wasn’t it fair that fire should take everything from a man like Hyungwon’s father? 

_Everything except Hyungwon. Not that Hyungwon ever belonged to that man. The clan is his family._ Minhyuk thought, watching as men began to stumble out of the home. One of them was Hyungwon’s father.

The smirk on Minhyuk’s face slipped away instantly, quickly growing into a frown. How did they manage to escape the burning house?  
Another figure quickly followed suite, falling to his knees and coughing violently. Minhyuk quickly recognised the lanky figure that belonged to Hyungwon.  
Minhyuk’s eye widened, shocked as he watched Hyungwon cough. Hyungwon wasn’t supposed to be there. Why was he back at that house?

Minhyuk turned around with a start, breaking into a sprint with Changkyun and Hoseok. He long to run to Hyungwon and see that the other boy was okay. He wanted to apologise over and over for getting Hyungwon mixed up in his stupid revenge plan. He was a coward in that moment however, deep down knowing that he would forever be cursed by what he had done that night.

Minhyuk run away from Hyungwon for the first time in his life.

-

Hyungwon had found himself in Minhyuk’s old family home the next day.  
He sat leaning against the bathtub in what used to be Minhyuk’s bathroom, arms sliding around his knees as he tried to choke back a sob.  
He had spotted a figure with white hair when he had emerged from his burning house yesterday, not taking him very long to realise that it was Minhyuk. He knew Minhyuk was responsible for the fire. 

Hyungwon didn’t know how to feel.

All his emotions came crashing down like a wave on him as he let out a sob, tears quickly forming in his eyes. His hands slipped into his hair, tugging roughly at the strands. Everything he had been desperately trying to bottle up within him began pouring out, revealing the hurt boy underneath.

He missed his mother.

He missed the times when his father wouldn’t yell at him or beat him for kissing the boy he loved.  
He missed having Minhyuk there to comfort him.

Hyungwon’s sobs continued to overflow, tears sliding down his cheeks like rain during a heavy storm. He couldn’t stop no matter how hard he tried. He had known that a day would come where everything became too much, his fragile self was finally breaking. 

He had put up with everything for so long. His father’s beatings, the fucked up world they lived in, the constant reminders that Hyungwon was nothing but powerless and weak. After all, he couldn’t protect his friends and save the town. Nothing ever happened like they did in the stories Hyungwon had heard as a child. 

Hyungwon was the reason Minhyuk was angry, right? Minhyuk deserved to be happy and smiling, he didn’t deserve to be angry over someone like Hyungwon.  
He didn’t deserve to be burdened by someone like him. 

Perhaps if Minhyuk was there Hyungwon wouldn’t have rose to his feet. Maybe his legs might not have shook as he leaned over to turn on the cold water tap of the bathtub. He blocked the drain with nervous hands, watching as the water quickly began to fill up the dirty bathtub. He removed his jacket from his body, only having enough strength to drop it near his feet.

This was for the best. 

Hyungwon quickly turned off the tap before stepping into the water, slightly wincing at the sensation of the cold water for a moment before laying down in the bathtub. He legs hung awkwardly over the bathtub’s rim, his figure far too tall for the small bathtub. He already felt his body going numb. It didn’t matter however.

Everything would be over soon enough.

“I’m sorry Minhyuk,” He uttered quietly, staring at the peeling ceiling of the room. “I love you.”

Hyungwon pushed himself under the water, letting his icy tomb swarm his vision. 

-

Minhyuk wished his old home didn’t still have running water.

He wished he had gotten there sooner.

Minhyuk sat himself next to the bathtub and kept his eyes locked on the still bruised and pale face of Hyungwon. The bathtub he had bathed in many times as a young child had always been a happy place for Minhyuk, a happy memory that still stood in the ruins that were his home. It had taken Hyungwon however, turning Minhyuk’s childhood feelings into nothing more but a bitter, distant memory. 

He hated it. 

Minhyuk knew that Hyungwon’s death was all his fault. He would have been able to stop the boy if he was there. He could have saved him from his own torment.  
He hadn’t been there to stop Hyungwon however. Ever since he had first uncovered Hyungwon’s secret, he had watched as the other boy suffered endlessly. He had been powerless to help him, only able to comfort the other boy as he would shake and cry wordlessly. He had been powerless to stop Hyungwon from drowning.

His actions had cursed him and had taken Hyungwon away from him. 

Without a word, Minhyuk uncapped a small vial containing blue liquid with shaking hands. The clan were still unsure of the flower’s capabilities, with a concept of healing others and bringing back the dead being nothing more than a dream. Minhyuk didn’t care however, he would take the chance regardless of the consequences and risks. 

Minhyuk had always hated religion, Hyungwon’s father’s religious belief had just further fuelled his dislike of the practice. He didn’t believe in God or miracles, but hoped that he would be able to bring Hyungwon back. 

He didn’t care if everything went horribly wrong and ended up killing him. After all, he didn’t deserve to live if Hyungwon was dead.  
A life without Hyungwon wasn’t worth anything to Minhyuk.

He poured the liquid into the bath water, not hesitating before hopping into the icy water afterwards. He didn’t care about the sudden chill of the cold liquid or that he had knocked some of the water out of the tub. 

He only cared about Hyungwon. 

Minhyuk pulled Hyungwon’s body up so his head was out of the water, letting it rest lifelessly on the edge of the tub. Minhyuk felt tears well up in his eyes at the sight of Hyungwon’s pale, bruised face. Minhyuk wanted the lanky boy with the bright, awkward smile back. 

He laid his head in the crook of Hyungwon’s cold figure, ignoring the protests from his own shivering his body. He slipped his shaking hand into Hyungwon’s, an action he had done countless times before.

“I love you, Hyungwon.” He whispered, breaking the silence in the room. 

He laid there unblinking, not caring if the liquid ending up killing him. Dying didn’t seem so scary to Minhyuk anymore. After all, what did he have to live for if Hyungwon wasn’t alive?

A pale and frail hand squeezed Minhyuk’s hand lightly. 

Perhaps there was a future for Minhyuk after all.

The fingers released the white haired boy’s hand.

Minhyuk’s eyes came to a close, darkness swarming his vision.

Or perhaps not.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this mess lmao.  
> I've been planning to write this fic for a while now but I never got around to it until two days ago. I was editing with the all in mv and I spotted this shot: http://imgur.com/a/YopbF (idk how I didn't notice it until now) and went holy shit, I need to write this fic now. The opening sequence of the fic is based on that.  
> I kind of liked how it turned out? My writing is kind of rusty since I haven't done any creative writing in a while so I'm sorry if this is kind of bad. I also can't write kiss scenes or dialogue to save my life.  
> On another note, I love monsta x and that's probably why I was so dedicated to finishing this. Minhyuk is my bias and hyungwon is my number one bias wrecker (even though the whole group are lowkey bias wreckers) and I love this pairing. I love the all in mv too.  
> This is based off the all in mv, but the song fuse by crywolf really inspired me to write this as well. Check it out it's a great song.  
> Minhyuk's backstory is more of a head canon than a theory I thought up. I thought it would be interesting to give his character a stronger reason for wanting to burn Hyungwon's father's home down.  
> This fic is a tad personal as I like to put a bit of myself into my works. Hyungwon's break down scene was kind of hard for me to write, so I'm sorry if it's really poorly written.  
> The ending is kind of open since I was on the fence about how to end it. I like it though.  
> I got a friend of mine to read this and she asked about a sequel and now I'm considering it. Maybe.  
> Thanks for reading all this! Comments are pretty cool since I love hearing what people think of my stories :)


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